BARACK: That was delicious, baby.
MICHELLE: I had the chef prepare it. You like the sauce, baby?
BARACK: Oh yeah, baby. I liked the sauce.
MICHELLE: Plenty more where that came from.
BARACK: Oh yeah?
MICHELLE: And wait’ll dessert, baby.
BARACK: All that and sweets, too?
MICHELLE: Yep.
BARACK: Mmmm. I like dessert, Mishy-mishy-boo-boo.
MICHELLE: I know you do, Ba-ba baracky. (They nuzzle.)
WINNER OF “DINNER WITH BARACK & MICHELLE”: Ew, gross, you guys.
Tina: A German man is patenting a device which he claims can straighten bananas, making them easier to eat, ship, and store.
(via bossypants)
ARE YOU OLDER THAN JESUS?
No.
ARE YOU OLDER THAN PLASTIC?
Yes.
DID YOU INVENT PLASTIC?
No.
WILL YOU THROW THE RINGS FROM PLASTIC SODA BOTTLES AT ME SO I CAN PLAY WITH THEM?
Yes.
I LOVE YOU.
This makes me really happy.
***
“This Seat Taken?”
The track is “Final Frontier (Instrumental)” by RJD2.
Because raps are very anthem-y and hyperbolic by nature, and it always seemed boring to me to rap exclusively about the fact that one is good at rapping, I tend to do a lot of “homage” raps.
I’m especially proud of this one because it’s never been written down, but I know I’d probably never release it officially anywhere because it got way too long and it doesn’t have as wide an audience as raps about Batman or robots or what-have-you. I plan to add verses every so often until it’s like half an hour, then maybe I’ll do something with that.
The vocals sound like they were recorded in a fishtank, on account of I use my webcam, on account of that’s all I have. Here’s a list of the rappers mentioned, in case you want to check them out. Also, if you know one of them, force them to listen to my creepy song! Please explain that I’m a comedian first.
- Eminem
- MC Frontalot
- MC Lars
- Optimus Rhyme
- Brother Ali
- DJ Format
- Abdominal
- Sage Francis
- Aesop Rock
- Childish Gambino
Michael Swaim made a rap. You should listen.
Went to a pumpkin carving party at Sheffield’s last night. This is my MST3K masterpiece.
“What’s that? I won at acting? Okay, I’m just gonna go ahead and coast now.”
I need all of these immediately.
(Source: quimby3rdstrike, via bossypants)
